It seems I live each day swimming in many torrents of dualism. I’m not talking about the traditional Cartesian mind-body dualism. There is also the constant struggle of the Steppenwolf, man contra animal in our heart. Some envision a little angel and devil sitting on each shoulder guiding us in different directions. My troubles however are not of angels and devils. That is too simple. I can tell good from bad easily enough at most times. Nor is my problem of the animal spirit which drives me in other desiderata. My trouble lies in how I feel about things. Lately, I lend myself to the classicist struggle between Dionysian and Apollonian mindsets.
Dionysus, sometimes spelled Dionysos (known as Bacchus to the Romans), was the god of wine and agriculture. Every harvest, or festival where wine is offered, he is honored. He is often both praised and reviled for his association to intoxication and licentious behavior. The Dionysian mindset is that which is focused on emotion, whim, fancy, and is essentially epicurean. The danger here lies in the capricious nature of emotion.
Apollo, on the other hand, is the god of the sun, truth, prophecy, music, archery, et al. He is the patron god of the oracle of Delphi. He is honored in every hunt in which an arrow flies true to its mark and by every musician playing the lyre. The Apollonian mindset is founded on logic and reason. It stands in direct opposition to the emotional whim of Dionysian thinking.
While both are sons of Zeus, Apollo is held as the most honored son. Dionysus is more like the black sheep; second, only perhaps, to Hermes. Apollo is the archetypical flawless hero standing in the light of truth, justice, and reason backed by tradition and the common hegemony of patriarchal society. Dionysus is the anti-hero. He mocks Apollo from the shadows and stands by his own right. Valuing intuition and insight, he gives himself freely over to emotion. He plays when he wants to play. He loves when he wants to love. He is the flawed hero whom we can’t help but admire regardless of his faults.
(He is perhaps the reason women love jerks… I've many thougths on this subject as well, but that is another rant entirely.)
These days I find myself struggling more than usual between my own Apollonian and Dionysian mindsets. Emotions are pulling hard at me and I’m trying to battle them with reason. There has been only one girl whom I’ve loved with the entirety of my heart. I just learned that she got married last week. My heart sunk at the thought of her in the arms of another; as it always has. I find myself drowning in a thousand thoughts of “What If…” Thankfully, my mind sets in to help me to reason through the fury of emotions. I know the reasons we are not together. I know that I became broken while I was with her trying to do more than I was able. I am at peace with the fact that beyond everything I did (some of which I resent and feel the prize fool for my daily efforts), I could not make her happy. My belief that she is better off without me is dependent upon the antecedent that there exists another who can make her happy. My greatest hope remains that she find that person and become able to achieve the fairy tale ending of happily ever after. I want this for her. I love her still and will always in a way, although I concede that she is mine no longer.
All this and still my heart violently sings the dithyramb of Dionysus with a tyrants rhythm and my mind is yearning for the light of Apollo. I grow tired of the struggle. I want to become numb and fall into an exhausted sleep...
